Why People Who Try to Please Everyone Get the Opposite, and How Meditation Can Change That

People who try everything to be liked and accepted usually get the opposite. And often they put in more effort than people who don't have this tendency as strongly, but the more they try, the less it actually works, and they don't reach the recognition, acceptance, and connection they're looking for.

Someone who is a pleaser can look at first glance like a person who is simply nice, warm and kind, someone comfortable to be around who genuinely listens. But when you look deeper, in most cases it doesn't come from an authentic place of being attuned to others, it's more like a strategy for controlling an environment that feels unsafe.

This strategy was almost always learned in the past, usually in childhood. A place where a child learned that expressing themselves authentically could be dangerous. Because maybe someone would get angry or reject them. But if you hold the desire inside and don't give it expression, even if it presses a little in the stomach or feels slightly uncomfortable, and you don't resist or take an opposing stance, then you're in a safer place, and in a safe place you don't feel pain.

If you look really deeply, sometimes you can identify a pattern of contraction and discomfort. Sometimes the eyes are looking at you but they don't project quiet presence, it's as if there's something behind the gaze that's contracting inside, like ready for action, aware of possible danger.

The body projects a kind of alertness and there's something in the overall feeling that seems slightly held in the body and in the breath. And this is usually not a product of the situation itself, but something learned in childhood that became a fixed defensive pattern.

These patterns are both mental and cognitive, and they also show up in the way the body expresses itself and in the nervous system. It can manifest in different ways, sometimes simultaneously. The breathing rhythm changes, there's a subtle tightening in the chest or stomach when someone is unhappy, the gaze adjusts according to the situation, muscle tone responds before the mind has even processed what happened, the body reacts before the brain understands. And sometimes it's felt as a subtle, slightly contracted alertness that doesn't go away, a sense of needing to be ready, even when there's no real danger.

I see this pattern coming up again and again with people who come to me for focusing sessions and meditation classes, and it feels like one of the strongest blocks that stops people from moving out of stuck places.

What happens here is that the pleaser thinks they're doing the right thing and creating a healthy relationship, something along the lines of if everyone accepts me and there's no friction then everything is fine. But in practice, more often than not, they achieve exactly the opposite.

Someone who is connected to themselves will sense that something is artificial, and from there comes a feeling that you can't really communicate at a level of honesty. People trust less someone who projects something hidden or defensive, even if they can't explain why.

When a person acts authentically and is connected to themselves, it's almost inevitable that friction and disagreement will sometimes arise. And at the base of that feeling can be the fear, they don't love me, I'm rejected. And that can feel uncomfortable or even dangerous.

But here is also the key turning point.

When we notice that there's an authentic desire in us, and at the same time there's a place that feels fear, we can make room for both. Fear is not the enemy, it's trying to protect us. And we can be aware of it without fighting it, and still choose to act according to what we truly believe in.

In mindfulness-based meditation and somatic work we learn to move through these states, to sit with the fear without it dictating the action. In the next post I'll go deeper into the specific tools that make this possible.

If you recognize this in yourself and want to work with it, feel free to send me a message.